I was only 19 or 20 when I was diagnosed with PCOS, since the day I was diagnosed I have been trying to conceive. I am 27 today, so going on eight years. I can remeber the fear of not being able to have children since fourth or fifth grade. I always had an instinct of knowing "something" was not right and thinking that "something" would prevent me from having children. It was fourth grade, when I knew my excess hair was not normal like other girls. That feeling of never feeling "normal" is a feeling I always felt.
I wish I can tell you that everything I choose to do is my choice but its not. Most of everything I did was because of infertility, hell even choosing to put my mental health first was based off infertility. The job I picked, the house I picked, the rooms in the house, the dog, any diets I was on, any exercise I use to do, plastic or glass, cleaning supplies, makeup, medicine... EVERYTHING.
I would say xyz is for my PCOS but in reality the bigger issue is infertility. It's not the excess hair, its not the weight gain, its the infertility. I can manage all the other symptoms but I don't have any control of my infertility. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I can have some control but it's the hardest to control. I based everything in my life about a child or children that in all honesty no one knows when I will be able to have them.
Bipolar is genetic but a lot of time it takes trauma to trigger it. I believe my bipolar was triggered back in middle school but it got worst after fertility treatment. Depression and anxiety is so real, how can it not trigger my bipolar. The anxiety of taking a test and the depression of it being negative over and over and over again.
Well except one time... one time out of seven year of trying I got one positive test. Do you wanna know when, when I was at a mental health facility. I couldn't even cry, I was numb. It took me two days to feel happy about the thought of bring pregnant and then after retesting another negative test. The doctor says its possible to be a chemical pregnancy because of the fact I actually took a test, and the nurse took a test, both in which was positive. A chemical pregnancy is a miscarriage before 6 weeks, before a heart beat is heard or photos are taken. It's when a pregnancy is only confirmed by a test. My last cycle was a whole year ago, so to have a cycle after a positive test is another indication of possible miscarriage. I think I was pregnant but that is another post. Below is the test I took, I took the picture as soon as it came up. I didn't take one after and I didn't even look at the test the nurse took. She told me it was positive and said it was another thing to put on my plate.
Yeah, so the moment I was in the process of getting my mental health in order, I also had to deal with the thought of pregnancy. So I had to stop taking meds that helped me. In which even now I have a feeling of making a choice do I want to be mentaly stable or have children. I mean duh, the answer is have children but its gets so much more complicated.
Im just writing this blog to vent. I have so much more to explain and catch up.
I'll do it when I can actually focus. Im just trying to get everything all together....
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